OK, the Ashes are starting and it is time for me to start staying up until the ungodly hours of the early morning to watch the action live. Who will win? Some people may say ‘Who cares who wins,’ but they are philistines and do not deserve any attention. Cricket is, after all, the best game in the world. Anyhow, on to important matters.
I foresee that the series will be close and that England will win (I think the couple of nights staying up watching the Tour de France have already made me delirious). In between the following events;
- Punter Ponting sulking when things are not going his way,
- Andy Strauss suffering anxiety attacks every time he watches Flintoff running in to bowl (wondering which part of his world class all-rounder is going to break this time),
- the whole of Australia, except his mum, wondering why Nathan Hauritz was picked and what he’s going to do from now on,
- and the whole cricket world wondering why on earth Cardiff was picked to host the first test and what on earth the Welsh know about cricket?. I suppose they did give us Simon Jones and that can't be underestimated - England could do with him now.
I think England will win 3-1.
Some further predictions:
- Peter Siddle will probably take the most wickets for Australia assisted by the glare coming off the zinc cream on his lips (no one has told him the sun doesn’t shine in the UK).
- Michael Johnson will settle into a line a whole metre outside off-stump and take wickets with his surprise straight ball.
- Jimmy Anderson will befuddle the Australian top order with his swing bowling hoping they are good enough to get an edge. He will have a better than even chance of having nervous break down as they keep wafting and missing causing him to question what he has done to deserve such poor luck.
- Alistair Cook will vainly try to bend his surgically straightened front leg and not to fall to Stuart Clark’s unerring off-stump line.
- Flintoff will break both his legs and still carry on resolutely taking a series-winning 5 wicket haul in the final test.
- Punters bottom lip will cause bad light to stop play as it blocks out the sun when things are going against Australia.
- Steve Harmison will magically re-find his form in county cricket and be ignored by the England selectors for the whole summer.
- Shane Warne and Ian Botham will be called upon to don their whites due to injuries and have a gripping battle as Botham tries to score the quickest hundred in test history while saving England from defeat.
I kid you not...this will all happen. I stand by my predictions and will wager at least 10 cents on the outcome.